I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
