Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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