Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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