It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
