i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
