It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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