All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
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In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
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Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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