I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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