So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
