rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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