Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
