I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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