I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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