If i come over, it means nothing
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
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The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.