Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
