Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
