She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
