He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
