here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
