Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
