My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i've created a new STD.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
