look no pants
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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