Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
