sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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