my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
