Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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