I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
