And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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