Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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