he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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