Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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