but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
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The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
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So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"