1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.