if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work