mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.