Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
