I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
