My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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