I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
