so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
