She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
