On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
