saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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