he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
