I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
