Cold hands, warm shart.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
