i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
