He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
