Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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