I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
