if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
