My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I believe in your delicious
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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