I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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