Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
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the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
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I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.