if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
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By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
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He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...