Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
