you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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