chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
